It was 2 years ago today, that I sat across from the man I loved at a patio on a warm September evening, on what was supposed to be a fun date night when I heard the words “I’m only here for our daughter”.
Life Goes On
Crushed. Shattered. After 25 years?? Mind you, there were already challenges. Fighting, Frustration, Differences in Business Goals, Life Goals. Yet I I really wanted it to work. For years, I fought.. HARD.
He didn’t ask me to leave. I left because I wasn’t going to stay where I wasn’t wanted AND financially support us all at the same time.
In any event, as hard it was, and as much as I hoped he would ask me not to leave, one day turned into the next, and one plan into the next, and there I was, turning on utilities and eventually turning to key to my apartment.
Unless you have been here, you can’t imagine the feelings of doubt, fear, inadequacy, failure, confusion, disbelief, denial, disappointment, sadness.
For me, I struggled with 2 things the most. The first was that my life was a lie because everything I worked for and lived for was now gone and meant nothing, other than my kids of course, and the 2nd was that my future scared the SH** out of me.
What? ME? Scared of the future? Yes. I felt like I was walking into this “story” and the person that should have been there is now just a blank space on the screen. I was scared that I was “old” and didn’t want to do this all again. Honestly, devastated that there wouldn’t be a “happily ever after”.
I hated the thought that I’m too old to grow old together with someone new. The thought of entering this time of my life without the man who I raised my babies with was heart-wrenching.
There were nights I felt like giving up. Morning always felt better. Always.
Even though I left that home broke, with no furniture, and only a small load of personal belongings, I never worried about money, because I knew I would do what it takes to earn it. I’ve always had confidence in my own skills.
One feeling I have never felt, is regret for leaving. I had to. And I know today, still, that I had to.
Nobody wants their marriage to end. And everyone should fight, hard. If had stayed, I would have lost everything. I had already lost so much of myself over those last few years.
Today, I look more forward to the future, yet I’ve given up on so much of it. I’ve slowed down. There’s just not as much excitement in it anymore without my life partner.
Today, I still feel alone, a lot. There’s nobody to applaud on a good day, high five when there’s a victory, cry when there’s a loss, share dreams with, or mastermind with. Those are the things I miss about having a partner on the journey with.
While I feel lonely sometimes, I don’t feel like I “need” a man in my life right now. I’m not dating, and I don’t pursue offers. The right time might come, and today I’m still working on myself. I’m not closed to it, and I’m not completely open either. I’m still hurt and I’d say trusting anyone is going to be a big challenge for me certainly.
I do still enjoy living very much. I am starting to travel again and am finding hobbies of my own. Work is still my passion although it looks nothing like it did 2 years ago. I’ve gotten obsessed with my great big logic puzzle that is my family tree. I get lost in it.
I’ve managed to pay off a large piece of the IRS debt that had haunted us for years and plan to have it settled by the time Tabs goes off to college. I’ve started learning about investments and dabbling. I could see getting obsessed with that too!!
Right now, 2 years later, I take each day as it comes. I’m not attached to anything. I’m not romantic about my businesses although I love what we do and who we do it for. I really enjoy helping people lose weight through the keto diet since it has so drastically changed the way I feel.
Divorce Sucks. And it’s life. And it goes on. And for me, it goes on good. And as far as the future goes, the farthest I can see is only a couple of years, because anything beyond that hurts. And I’m confident, that too will change.
One day at a time, One hour at a time, One moment at a time. – Whatever it takes.
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